The
New Year has arrived, 365 days standing before us like a stack of unused
printer paper waiting to see what will be irrevocably printed on each one. I don’t know why we try to look at the whole
year at once instead of realizing that each hour, each day, each week, each
month is its own “new time” to make changes, conquer habits, find peace. In a world full of fear-mongering, it is easy
to look at the year as a whole and feel terrified by its enormous unknowns. If allowed, these
unknowns can carry us away on waves of uncertainty and abandon us on rocky shoals
of anxious fear. Fear of the future. Fear of current events. Fear of things we cannot control. Binding fear that impairs our faith.
I
am deeply acquainted with fear. Dark, horrifying, terrorizing fear. The kind that holds you captive, suspends
your life, wreaks havoc on your emotions, and tumbles you into horrific episodes
of intense panic. I know panic attacks. I
have spent many moments—sometimes hours--suspended in time as I waited for
normalcy to return. I have endured times
when I was too scared to pray, times I could only cry and times I could do nothing
at all. I live with the knowledge that
the fear is always lurking, the panic is only one random thought away. I hate
it. It is the bane of my existence.
I
am not alone. The advent of social
networking has revealed to me that others suffer the same. Each of us feels like an island. Alone. Haunted. Scared. We want rid of the fear, but it always finds
a way to come back. We feel so much less
than normal, like something is wrong with us. We hate it all—the fear and its bondage, the
panic, the anxiety, the frustration, the sneak attacks. Enough already.
No
one asks for a panic attack, or welcomes one when it comes. Not once have I hoped to live my life in
fear. It is not of my own doing. I work
doggedly to keep faith in God. I am not a “backslider” because panic attacks
happen to me. Evidently they are my “thorn in the flesh” (think Apostle Paul), because
God hasn’t chosen to relieve me of them no matter how much I ask. I don’t question that. But I don’t want them
to control my life, distract me from my true purpose, squander my time, or
cause me to quit the fight. I can’t conquer
it alone, so God and I are working together to make a change.
This
is not a New Year’s resolution. No, it’s
more permanent than that and may take longer than 12 months. It’s a spiritual
and emotional lifestyle change. Together,
God is helping me learn to forge into the unknown, terrifying, uncertain future
trusting that the cloud he rides to help me will never break down (Deut. 33:26),
that he cares more about me than those sparrows he’s tending (Luke 12:6), and
that the power he’s given me to overcome even Satan’s advances holds true no
matter what (Luke 10:19). It’s a huge,
scary step, but it’s what I want for 2014. No fear. Only faith.
If
you identify with my battle, I invite you to join my journey. I don’t have all
the answers, but God has given me a few things worth remembering as we go… God
is ALWAYS God and Satan is ALWAYS stupid. All that fear, terror, desperation,
and confusion doesn’t come from God. It
can’t. The Bible says so in I
Corinthians 14:33 “…God is not the author of confusion, but the author of
peace.” Remember that when Jesus said, “Come unto me, all you that labor and
are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” (Matthew 11:28) he meant everyone
that was carrying a burden bigger than themselves—I certainly qualify. Most of all, remember that when he said, “I
will never leave you or forsake you,” (Hebrews 13:5) he meant it. He’s not leaving unless you tell him to and
even then, you’ll have to be the one to walk away. If you are having a panic attack that feels
like the bottom of the world fell out from under you, Jesus is right there with
you and if you can calm down long enough to notice, you’ll find he’s holding
you in his arms. That’s how much he
loves you. And NOTHING can separate us from that love. (Romans 8:38-39)
So
cheers, my friends, to banding together with God and forging a fearless future.
No matter how bleak the outlook, how terrorizing the fear, how immobilizing the
panic, may we remember that “…with God nothing shall be impossible.” (Luke
1:37) and “…there’s more with us than be with them.” (II Chronicles 32:7-8) May we keep our hand in his, take one day at
a time, and find ourselves overcoming through Christ’s strength.(Philippians
4:13) Be courageous. Be fearless. Be faithful.
Be blessed.
Happy
New Year!
